Monday, September 24, 2012

The Adventures of Billy Bob: Part 5; In Which We Finally Finish the Story Whatever Way Possible

Let's see, where were we? It's been so long. . . . Ah! Yes. We left off here.
  After Fruit Loop hung up on Det. Abney, he decided to build a throne for himself out soft drink cans. Like this;

Or even this;

  While Fruit Loop was doing that, Caesar Salad grabbed a carrot and began singing into it, all the while admiring himself in the little mirror he carried with him at all times. Curtain Eyes, now free of the ceiling, began cleaning his bazooka. And Hop of course, just stood there looking blank, cradling his new-found "bunny" to his chest. 

  Billy Bob, a generally laid-back, easy-going, flighty fellow under normal circumstances, had finally had enough. What's more, he finally had a plan.

"Psst! Hey, Hop!" he whispered. 

  The big man looked down at Billy Bob, flabbergasted, as though he hadn't realized Billy Bob could talk. Which was of course ridiculous, as Billy Bob had just given Fruit Loop some advice approximately three and a half minutes ago. No one had ever said Hop was the brightest eco-friendly lightbulb in the package. And knowing him, they never would.

But I digress.

"Hey, Hop!" Billy Bob whispered again. "Did you see that?"

Hop's brow wrinkled in confusion. "See what?"

"Over there, back in that dark, shadowy corner of the store hidden from everyone else's view. I think it was a bunny!" 

Hop's head whipped around to scan said corner. He frowned again. "I don't see one."

"Well, it's hiding, you have to go find it."

"Ohhh." So Hop snuck towards the back of the store. He was impressively stealthy for someone with arms the size of tree trunks and the IQ of a lawn gnome. 

  After a moment of searching, and of course, coming up empty, Hop was discouraged, and suspicious of Billy Bob's story. "Are you sure you saw a bunny?"

"Yes, of course! You just have to look harder. Trying putting me down, I'm only getting in the way." 

  Hop looked suspiciously at Billy Bob once again. But Billy Bob gave him the most innocent of innocent looks, 
(like that, but a dude!)
and that seemed to satisfy the big guy. He set Billy Bob down, and continued the search for the bunny on his hands and knees, calling out, "Ooohhh, bunny! Where are yoouu?" every once in a while.

  Meanwhile, Billy Bob slipped away to the pharmaceutical section of the store. He quickly  ran his eyes over the assortment of pills and other healthcare items that covered the shelves. He was ignored the numerous vitamins, painkillers, hair-growth products, hair-removal products, diet pills, and cat food that was everywhere. He was only looking for one thing.

Nope, nope, nope. . . found it!

  He snatched a bottle from the shelf and read the label. Superhyperhumanbeing -- for all your ridiculous story-shorcut needs. Do not use unless you are completely out of ideas and/or patience, or are afraid of being mobbed by a bored cyber-audience.

Sounds perfect. He thought. He opened the bottle and shook a pill out onto his hand. It was very colorful. The pill, not his hand. Is that a tiny Superman symbol on it? Billy Bob wondered. He pushed the thought away and, before he had time to come up with a reason why NOT to do it, he popped the pill in his mouth and swallowed.

  Have you ever watched a cartoon where a character would eat or drink some sort of magic (or just really really hot) concoction, and almost immediately they're propelled into the air, and having a sort of seizure? Think Denzel Crocker from Fairly Odd Parents whenever he sees/says/thinks of fairies.

 Yeah. Like that.

  Well, that's more or less what happened to Billy Bob. One minute he was thinking of how terrible that pill tasted, and how he wished he'd taken the time to get some water, and the next minute, his body was flopping about on the floor in a completely involuntary manner, like a large ragdoll taken over by the ghost of a drunken kung-fu master with no sense of direction. It was an odd sight.

  After a moment, the immediate effect of the pill wore off, and Billy Bob hopped to his feet, feeling suddenly rejuvenated and impossibly strong. He felt he could take on a hundred men, and was somewhat disappointed he only had to take on four.  

 Shooting out of the isle, Billy Bob rocketed towards Hop, who, miraculously, HAD found a bunny in the back of the store. Hop was just about to pick the bunny up when he heard an odd noise and looked up. The noise was Billy Bob, shrieking as his muscles propelled him forward against his will, and at an astonishingly rapid pace.

  Hop hardly had time to wonder what in the world was going on before Billy Bob smashed into him, sending the big man flying through the wall of the store. The SWAT team positioned outside that particular wall were startled to see a large man flying at them amid large chunks of plaster, but they got over it quick, as SWAT team members are prone to do, and promptly tossed the dazed man into a prison truck they had waiting.

  Billy Bob didn't see any of this, however. You see, as soon as his body had crashed into Hop's, he had been catapulted to the right, and his newly-independent muscles had taken the opportunity to go rushing back to the main body of the store, where everyone else was. 

  Fruit Loop looked up from his throne-building. What was that noise? He threw a stray can at Caesar. "Hey! Be quiet! What's that sound?" The three remaining goons stopped to listen. It seemed to be getting closer. . . .

  Of course, you already know that the sound is Billy Bob, screaming his head off. But they didn't know that. So they weren't prepared when Billy Bob came streaking into the room (fully clothed, thank you so much). 

  And they weren't prepared when Billy Bob collided with Curtain Eyes, throwing the smaller man through the window and setting off the bazooka. 

  They still weren't prepared when the bazooka's blast demolished Fruit Loop's soft-drink throne, causing the cans to explode and the drinks to spray in every conceivable direction, and coat the surface of everything in delicious stickiness.

  And they certainly weren't prepared for SWAT to come bursting through the door after figuring that the situation couldn't deteriorate any further.

  Fruit Loop and Caesar Salad attempted to flee to the back of the store. They might have succeeded, except the floor was so sticky from the spilled pop they couldn't move. SWAT came over in their all-terrain-boots and handcuffed them on the spot.

  Det. Abney stepped through the door just as Billy Bob went shooting out of it. "I CAN'T STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooop. . . ." he wailed as he passed, his voice fading into the distance as he disappeared down the street. Det. Abney peered after him, then leaped to the side as a cow landed beside her, obviously having been thrown (accidentally) by Billy Bob.

"We're in the city, why is there a cow?" Det. Abney asked to no one in particular. Then she (or he, I didn't really give the detective a gender, did I?) shook her head and went to oversee the arrest and rights-reading of the captives. 

One Month Later

  Things were back to normal. Well, sorta. Billy Bob had an award from the city for helping foil the robbery, which he wore around his neck constantly. The manager of the store decided to turn the store into a pet shop after being unable to get rid of all the critters that came in to lick the pop off of everything. That old lady came back with her cats and was welcomed. Det. Abney got a promotion. And of course, Fruit Loop, Caesar Salad, Curtain Eyes, and Hop were all in jail. No one ever found out their real names, but hey. A happy ending's a happy ending. 


  And there you have it! The finally finished product. Yes, the resolution was a cop-out, but if that bothers you, go write your own ending for it. I'd love to hear it! :D

In the meantime, I have a tap lesson to go to. ;)

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