Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Adventures of Billy Bob: Part 3; I'm Not a Bunny, Are YOU, Charlotte?

  Surprisingly, Billy Bob found he was quite comfortable in Hop's huge hand, (hey, alliteration!) as it could fit all the way around Billy Bob's neck without squeezing it. However, the physical comfort of his situation was squashed by the mental and emotional DIScomfort. 

"Hey boss, look!" Hop exclaimed, practically drooling with excitement.

  Fruit Roll-Up glanced over from where he stood overseeing the store's petrified patrons and worried workers."What?"

  "It's a bunny!!" Hop cried gleefully, thrusting Billy Bob in Fruit Roll-Up's direction. 

  Fruit Roll-Up smacked a hand to his face, obviously trying to hide from the stupidity radiating from the giant to his right. "Ho-o-op!" he whined in a very un-leader-like fashion. "He's not a BUNNY!! He's a DUDE!! Now put him down with the others!"

  "But. . . he's a bunny. . . ." Hop then produced the most pitiful looking puppy-dog eyes and  pouty lips ever seen on any man or child, ever, and cuddled Billy-Bob to his chest. 

  Fruit Roll-Up eyes--er, eye. "FINE!!" he yelled, "KEEP THE BUNNY!! Just don't get distracted."

  Billy Bob hung limply in Hop's embrace, unsure of what to make of these developments. He'd never considered himself particularly bunny-ish looking, nor did he eat an unusual amount of vegetables. However, it was better than any alternative Billy Bob could think of. It also explained the giant's nickname. . . .

  Suddenly, the sound of singing filled the general store area, "Pizza Angel, please come to me!! Tomato sauce and cheese so go-o-oey! Pizza Angel, I'm on my knees! And don't forget to add my favorite anchovies!!"

  It was Caesar Salad, belting Veggie Tales tunes into the phone at the hostage negotiator. Questions started whirling through Billy Bob's mind. When did Caesar Salad ever watch veggie tales? And why? If he watched it as a child, how did he end up a robber? Why did Larry the Cucumber want anchovies on his pizza? And when did the phone ring, anyway?!

Billy Bob was baffled. 

Hop was unperturbed.

Curtain Eyes was pointing his bazooka at some beans.

Caesar Salad was still serenading the detective.

Fruit Roll-Up was furious.

  "GIVE ME THAT PHONE, YOU IDIOT!!" he bellowed, the wind of his breath enough to unbalance Curtain Eyes. He tipped, the bazooka tipped, and the tiny man ended up on top of his weapon, which now stood on the ground, pointing downward. 

  Fruit Roll-Up ignored his proportionately-challenged comrade and snatched the phone out of Caesar Salad's hand with the aggressive vigor of the Irritated Leader.

"Hello?!" he shouted into the phone. 

  "Yes, um, hi." the detective on the other end was still shaken by Caesar Salad's one-man Broadway show. "Are you the one in charge?"

"That's right, I am." replied Fruit Roll-Up, shouldering his machine gun. 

"My name's Det. Abney. What's yours?"

  "Uh. . . " Fruit Roll-Up pressed the mouth of the phone to his chest and pointed his gun at a young woman in the Hostage Huddle, causing her to snivel even more than she had been. "What's your name?" he demanded.

"Ch-Ch-Charlotte!!" she wailed.

  Obviously without thinking, Fruit Roll-Up yanked the phone back up to his mouth. "Charlotte." 

"Wha--? Come now, I gave you my name, it's only fair that you give me yours."

"What?" snapped Fruit Roll-Up, "A guy can't be named Charlotte? Or maybe I'm just a girl with a deep voice, you ever think of that?!? Well, Det. Abner? Didja?!?"

"Er, it's Det. AbnEY, and no, of course. . . Charlotte. That's fine. Ah, sounds like you've got quite the team, there. . . . Can I call you Carl?"

"Yes! Fine! Whatever! Call me Carl. Just get to the point!"

  Before Det. Abney could commence with the standard negotiation questions, there was a KABOOM, and dust rained down on everyone. The hostages immediately curled up like hedgehogs and armadillos, Caesar Salad dove INTO a cash register, Fruit Roll-Up jumped so high his mohawk got stuck in the ceiling, and Hop just stood there, patting Billy Bob's head in a consoling manner. Billy Bob made a face somewhat like this:

Or perhaps like this:

Either way, he was unimpressed. 

  When the smoke settled and the dust cleared, er--when the smoke cleared and the dust settled, that is-- everyone looked around to find out what had made that horrible noise. 

  As it turned out, Curtain Eyes (who, if you remember, was on the end of his bazooka, which was facing the earth) had accidentally pulled the trigger, firing himself and his weapon up into the ceiling, and creating a crater in the store floor.

"What was that?!?" cried Det. Abney over the phone.

  Wearily, Fruit Roll-Up (still suspended in the ceiling, btw) raised the phone to his face. "Nothing. Please stand by." He then hung up. All of a sudden, he wasn't so weary anymore. "CURTAIN EYES!!" He shrieked. Yes, shrieked. "ARE YOU INSANE?!?!? YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US ALL!! GET A HAIRCUT, DARN YOU!!!"

  "NEVAH!!" Curtain Eyes shook his fist from where he, too, was stuck in the ceiling, in a small and blackened hole just his size.

  Fruit Roll-Up sighed and hung limp for a minute before remembering where he was. "Hop! Get me out of this predicament!"

"Yeah, me too!" said Curtain Eyes. 

  "No!" yelled Fruit Roll-Up as Hop plucked him from the ceiling with one hand (the other was still holding Billy Bob). "Leave him. Hopefully he won't kill anybody from up there." 

  So, Curtain Eyes remained in the ceiling while the other robbers sequestered the hostages in the checkouts-turned-confetti-pits and ordered Jim to sweep up the dust. 

Will Billy Bob ever get over the trauma of being mistaken for a bunny? Is being mistaken for a bunny really such a bad thing? Where did Caesar Salad learn Veggie Tales songs? Will Curtain Eyes ever make it out of the ceiling? Will Detective Abney believe that Fruit Roll-Up's real name is Charlotte? Keep reading to find out! ;)

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