A long time ago, Sunny wrote down in the pages of history the inspiring story of Floweria. Since I can't bear to see it forgotten, gathering cyber dust on the electronic shelves of this blog,
(ok, those shelves aren't electronic. who cares?) I decided to retell it for you here, with one slight revision. In the original story, Sunny called the men of Floweria "pansies," because of their delicate nature. Well, I heard somewhere that "pansies" can apparently refer to men who stopped hiding in the closet, as it were. And so, not wishing to offend anybody (Canadian, remember?), I changed "pansies" to "mice." Just in case. ;)
And now, without further ado, The Story of Floweria!
Once apon a time, in the land of Floweria, there lived a bunch of mice. These mice weren't the small grey rodents that we find in our sheds, basements, and occasionally bathrooms. They were a bunch of timid men that let their womenfolk protect them when the evil Bumbly Bees raided their little log huts.
The women of Floweria all rode Helen Davidson motorcycles and ran the motorcycle shop Helen's Bikes. Long ago in Floweria, Helen had taken over for Harley in his motorcyle business, because Harley had suddenly developed an irrational yet paralyzing fear of rubber, making it impossible for him to put tires on the bikes.
That, understandably, created some problems for the bikers. So, Harley locked himself in his room and started weaving baskets. Although the baskets were quite lovely, it still left Helen to run the bike shop. She decided that if she was gonna run it, she'd take credit for it, too, and promptly changed the name of the shop. So that's how all this biker-chick business started.
A typical day in Helen's went something like this:
"We've got an order for a hot pink bike!" Helen would yell over the intercom.
The workers would don their gloves and welding materials and fire up the old furnace. They would immediately set to work, yet in a sad manner. They would finish the bike quickly and efficently, but it didn't give them the pleasure that they yearned for.
In truth, the women wanted to work at the company across town called Bloggin' Inc. They only worked for Helen because their husbands and brothers wouldn't do it, and they loved the bikes too much to let the business go.
Anyways, all the mice worked in the local supermarket, but even there they were scared, and had to build up their courage in order to serve the customers.
You see, these mice (otherwise known as men) were frightened to death of fire and didn't even like motorcycles! So, they all worked in the grocery store.
A typical scene in the supermarket would go something like this:
"Clean up in aisle two." Larry would call over the intercom. "The BBQ display was trashed. Again."
Due to their fear of fire, the men just wanted to get rid of the barbecue display, because they knew that sooner or later all those barbecues would randomly burst into flames.
Also, they hated to use the cash register, because the "ding" it made when it opened scared them, and caused them to dive under the counter in a flurry of green paper.
This is how the people of Floweria lived out their days; frightened, tired, miserable, depressed, and in constant fear of spontaneous combustion.
One day, Chuck Norris happened to come upon it! He was in need of a motorbike that matched his awesomeness, and had heard of Helen's excellent reputation. He strolled in casually enough, but was slightly startled when he saw all the women. Not that he thought women shouldn't work on bikes, but he didn't see a single, solitary man in the entire plant!
As confused as he (being Chuck Norris), could be, he asked the next woman he saw where all the men were. Actually, she was laying under a bike making repairs at the time, so he had to pick it up to ask her.
"They're at the supermarket!" she said peering at him through grease-covered goggles.
"Why?" he asked, still holding the motorcycle above his head.
"Because they're cowards! Now put down that bike!" she snapped.
Chuck, being a gentleman, obliged and carefully put down the bike. His curiosity was definitely aroused. He marched into the supermarket to see just how cowardly these cowards were.
He opened the shiny glass door and stepped inside, nearly giving the clerk at the front desk a heart attack. Chuck looked askance at him, but decided to go up and talk to the man.
"Hi." He said. "Could you tell me--"
He never got to finish his question, as the clerk fainted. Chuck blinked, checked his breath, and shrugged. He strolled through the store, peering down every aisle, wondering where in the world all the men went to, and how they got up the courage to go there.
Finally, just as he was about to wash his hands of this weirdness, he heard frightened muttering coming from somewhere nearby. Following the voices, Chuck soon found all the rest of the store employees huddled together a safe distance away from what seemed to be a barbecue display. Someone had trashed it.
Chuck looked from the display to the men and tisked, causing all the men to leap into the air, squeal at various volumes, and even caused one of them to wet his pants. Chuck tossed up his hands in exasperation.
"I don't believe you people!" he exclaimed.
He formed them all into a straight line and ordered them to march out of the store, which of course, they did, having no courage to deny him. Chuck followed behind them to make sure there were no stragglers. He also grabbed the shirt of the unconscious man and dragged him along, too.
He marched the men out of town to a little cabin in the hills where he put all the mice through vigorous physical training and intense mental training. Because they were so incredibly weak and timid, it took Chuck a whole week to make them into real men. But finally, the week was over.
The women at Helen's were in for a surprise. They hadn't really noticed the fact that the men were gone for a week, because really, they hardly ever saw them anyway. But today was different.
There they were, working away, when all of a sudden, smoke started swirling around the door. At first, the women thought a squirrel had gotten stuck in the tailpipe of a motorcycle again, when they saw it. All the men, dressed in army fatigues, sauntering through the door in slow motion, with golden sunlight flashing dramatically behind them.
Some women cried. Some fainted. Some were afraid to breathe, lest they ruin the vision. However, by not breathing, they too passed out. The men, still moving in slo-mo, gently moved their womenfolk aside and took their places at the motorcycle assembly line.
Then Chuck Norris came and held open the door and made a sweeping gesturing, indicating the ladies were free to go. The women ran to Bloggin' Inc., also in slo-mo, and to the tune of "Chariots of Fire."
Everyone celebrated! Helen's was changed back to Harley's, forcing Harley to go back to work there, or else face charges of fraud. But after several therapy sessions, he got over his fear of rubber and was fine again.
The women blogged happily, filling the web with their insight and opinions (and there were quite a lot of them!)
Everything went back to the way it was before the men inexplicably became wusses. Everything was perfect. Well, almost everything. The time had come again for the Bumbly Bees' bi-monthly raid. But this time, Floweria was prepared.
As the Bees approached, Chuck led his men in a charge against them, and soon men dressed in black and yellow were flying every which direction. Some were stupid enough to get up again after they were knocked down, but they rarely tried that more than once.
And so, the positions of Floweria and the Bees were reversed. This time, Floweria was the one cheering after the battle, while the Bees ran screaming into the hills. They were never heard from again. The Bees, that is.
There was just one thing left to take care of. The grocery store sat, empty and abandoned, all alone on it's street corner. Chuck couldn't bear to see it looking so sad. But what to do with it? He pondered his dilemma for a moment, then got a brilliant, Chuck-Norris-like idea.
He bought the store and turned it into a karate studio, so that wimps could learn to be tough. Once establishing the business and appointing his best student to be the new teacher, Chuck rode away dramatically into the sunset on his newly-finished motorcycle, never to be seen by the Floweians again.
Floweria got Chuck Norrised!
Yaaaayy!!! WOOHOO!! *applause* Thank you, Sunny, for that intriguing and enlightening recount of historical events! You probably noticed I took some *ahem* liberties with it. Artistic license, you know. ;) All interested parties, please click this link
to see the original story. I just added a few minor details. ;) lol! But I had to. I mean, it's not like I could make up an entire epic, blog-worthy story all by myself! ;D